Take it from me
Body + Soul, Sunday Telegraph: June 17, 2007

Good advice is hard to find, but bad words of wisdom seem to be everywhere. Johanna Hegerty finds out how to deal with the self-appointed experts in your life.

Whether it’s a recommendation from a professional or words of wisdom from a well-meaning friend, good advice is invaluable. Yet the words, “Do you know what you should do…?” can really set your teeth edge.

Planning a wedding, raising a child or choosing a career path – there’s always someone who knows better, and often they’re not afraid to tell you. This advice can be hard to take, especially when it’s unsolicited.

“People give advice for numerous reasons,” Brisbane psychologist Lindsay Trims says, “and most people think they give good advice because we see the world through our own eyes and therefore believe we are ‘experts’.”

Being on the receiving end of unsolicited advice can be irritating or patronising, especially when you feel that the advisor is being judgemental or if there are preconceived positionings in the relationship such as for a parent and child.

Personal coach Kate James says: “When I had my first child, my mother was desperate to give me advice, which I found frustrating at first. Eventually, I was straight with her and told her that I had to do it my way. I said, ‘Let me stuff it up and then I’ll come to you for advice.’”

GP and author Dr Cindy Pan says, “When you feel people are making presumptions about you or they give you the vibe that what you’re doing is wrong, then their advice is going to rub you up the wrong way.” But in some cases, Dr Pan points out, the person on the receiving end of unsolicited advice might presume a presumption. For example, a woman might find her sister’s relationship advice patronising because she feels her older sibling is talking down to her, when in actual fact, the older sister has a genuine desire to help.

“Bear in mind the spirit in which advice is given,” Dr Pan says. “We’ve all had an experience where we’ve thought, ‘I wish I’d known that,’ and when we hear about someone with a similar problem we think, ‘I’m going to do for you what I wish someone had done for me’. Giving advice is a generous act and usually the reason you give it is because you want to share what helped you.”

In other words, try not to take it personally when a close friend – or even a stranger – volunteers their expert opinion on your weight loss strategy, chances are they’re only trying to help.

Your two cents
“Good advice is when a person truly understands what the other person is going through. If the giver has empathy then it’s more likely the advice will be valid for what the person needs,” says Trims.

Even with best intentions at heart, however, and even if that cure, solution or product really did work for them, an advice-giver’s situation is never going to be exactly the same as that of the person on the receiving end. For this reason, advice should be offered, not given.

Occupational and narrative therapist Tania Skippen and Jane Lowder from Max Coaching say, “Advice is based on experience and it’s rare that someone else’s experience exactly matches our own. We all know our circumstances and ourselves better than anyone else so we are in the best position to weigh up the options and make good choices for ourselves. If a friend or colleague seeks your advice, then your role is as friend or sounding board.”

People grow the most when they come up with their own answers, says James. “Advice that is best received is more general than directive, and there should be no expectation that the advice will be taken. It’s far better to offer suggestions and ask open-ended questions to help the person reach their own solution,” she says.

Pearls of wisdom
There’s an art to giving good advice, says Dr Pan. “The most important things are being a good listener, allowing the person to air their concerns and referring them to professional help if necessary,” she says. “And don’t take it personally if they don’t follow your advice.”

That which has been asked for will be the best received however there are times when we feel the need to share our pearls unasked. “Explain to the person that you do care for them and that is why you are offering them this advice,” say Trims. Read the person’s body language to see if your advice is being well received and if it’s not, then back off.

Choose your language carefully and avoid saying, “I think you should”. Instead say “you could try” or “this worked for me”.

Advice-seekers have responsibilities, too, one of which is choosing where to get advice from. Primary school teacher Karen Ormerod says, “I go to different friends for advice depending on where I believe they are successful. My oldest friend Clare is amazing with people and relationships so I go to her for advice on that, and I’d ask my brother about money as I consider him to be successful in this department.”

As well as being selective about who you ask, be selective about what you choose to use. “All advice must be assessed by the person receiving it” says Trims, “and the person must work out the advantages and disadvantages of the advice before blindly taking it.”

And finally, as advice recipient, remember it’s a lot easier to be the advisor than advisee. Dr Pan, whose latest book Playing Hard to Get offers advice on relationships, says some people assume because of this she has the perfect relationship, however, “most realise that people are just human. Just because you can give good advice doesn’t mean you can take it,” she says.

Are you an advice addict?
We generally seek advice because of a lack of understanding of a situation. This can be real, in the case of a medical problem where we would seek the advice of a trained professional; or perceived, which boils down to a lack of faith in our own intuition. “People with low self-confidence are more likely to seek out advice as they don’t have confidence in their decision-making powers,” says psychologist Lindsay Trims. “If a person is always running to seek advice, they may develop ‘learned helplessness.’”
Do you or does someone you know show signs of being an advice addict? These include:

• Repeatedly seeking advice without reviewing the previous advice given;
• Asking everyone around you for advice;
• Not taking the advice given;
• Seeking advice on small issues as well as the bigger ones;
• Constantly seeking an answer without using the advice already received to formulate your own solution.

“You need to make decisions on your situation and not on other people’s perception of it,” says Trims. He recommends this brainstorming exercise: “The first thing a person needs to do is clearly identify the problem or what is making them unhappy. Next, write down all possible solutions, both good and bad, then review the solutions and take out any you feel are really not practical. Then, with the solutions that are left, write down the advantages and disadvantages of each and this way you will identify the best solution to the problem for yourself.” 

Contacts and resources:

• See Lindsay Trims’ website www.proactivecoaching.net
• Max Coaching: www.maxcoaching.com.au; 02 9570 9100
• Playing Hard To Get by Dr Cindy Pan and Bianca Dye (Harper Collins, $24.99)